How Saint Mykl saved Valentine’s Day

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If you follow me on Facebook, you know I’ve been having a tough week. Depression sucks any time of the year, but it’s been especially frustrating to feel out of control this week since this is my first Valentine’s Day with Mykl and I really wanted to make it special.

Instead I hate everything. I hate him, I hate myself, I hate my job, I hate my house, and I feel like I just don’t care about any of it. It feels like anything and everything pisses me off and sends me spiraling into a very angry place.

This entire week has been full of arguments and fights. Wednesday night was supposed to be our date night. That turned into a total disaster.

Mykl planned out dinner, a movie, and drinks afterwards for our date. I took longer than planned getting ready because I wanted to look extra pretty for him. Once we were in the car, he shared his frustration that we’d have to change plans, since there wasn’t enough time to eat at the restaurant he had picked before the movie started. Normal Jen would go with the flow and be understanding. Depressed Jen got mad and felt like he was blaming me for ruining our night. Sometimes I wish I was the type to be quiet, but of course I’m not, so I had to argue that it wasn’t my fault and he was being a jerk by getting mad at me for trying to look nice and he better turn the car around right then because I didn’t want to go anywhere with him.

Last night Mykl tried to talk to me about what’s going on. He saw my post on Facebook and told me he had no idea I was feeling depressed. Sometimes I forget how good I’ve gotten at dealing with it. I’m not depressed all the time. In fact, most of the time I feel fantastic – I’m a happy, energetic person that likes to take life head-on and enjoy it. But when, inevitably, depression sneaks up on me for a visit, I spiral pretty quickly into a place where everything sucks. Everything frustrates me to the point where I get angry about the frustration, and then I get angry about being angry because damn it, I’m normally happy and I want that Jen back.

The talk with Mykl didn’t go very well last night, either. He explained why he’s been frustrated with my behavior lately and I decided that he didn’t understand depression at all and that he was turning all this around on me and I said something to that effect, paired with a few mean comments, and left the room to go to bed.

Once in bed, I realized I was mad that he wasn’t in there with me. (You might have picked up on the theme by now.) I didn’t actually want him there. I’m pretty sure if he would have come into bed, I would have yelled at him, but I didn’t NOT want him there, either. The more I tried to think about what I wanted, the more frustrated I got. And I knew come morning, our first Valentine’s Day together would be here and I’d be ruining the day.

I decided to text him and ask him to come to the bedroom and hold me. I didn’t want that, but then again, I didn’t want anything, so I figured I might as give it a shot.

He came. He held me. I told him how I was feeling – that I hated him, that I hated myself, that I hated feeling hateful. That I was angry at everything and didn’t know what to do about it. That I didn’t WANT to feel this way.

When I was done talking, he asked if I had anything else to say. I said no.

So he stayed and held me until I fell asleep.

Turns out that was exactly what I needed. I’m still depressed this morning, but I feel a little less lost. I feel like I can somehow find the energy to make it through the day at work and come home and be functional for the kids.

Thank you Saint Mykl for giving me exactly what I needed for Valentine’s Day. I love you.

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Comments

  1. Ingrid Echard says:

    I am glad that you are feeling somewhat better and that he was so helpful. I t is hard to find someone so understanding

  2. Jen, depression aside, sometimes we all have those “days”. I have had them, I am sure everyone does. Chris can sense it through the PHONE. He usually says..talk to me. Even if I say “im fine” he usually launches into “whatever it is, I am here for you, I will take the kids out, give you the time you n eed for work,downtime, I will support you.” It generally takes me a little but softens me up. I am sorry you are having a rough time but sounds like Mkyl knows how to be there.
    trisha recently posted..The last week around here…

  3. I’ve been feeling the exact same way this week, Jen. Top mine off with my grandma passing away a week and a half ago and my youngest being gone for the whole week with her dad. I hate everyone and everything. I do nothing but yell and cry. It’s been rough and I’m taking it out on my fiance because he’s handy. He has something planned for tonight and keeps telling me I can’t come home before 7pm. All I want to do on Friday after work is go home. But instead, I’m forcing myself to go out and get my hair done before I go home. Because it’s not fair to him for me to ruin everything because I’m having a stupid week. Go you for realizing what you were doing and trying to fix it.

  4. I’m so sorry you feel this way but I know exactly how you feel. It’s so good that Mykl is supportive and understanding. It’s a must to have someone like this in your life when you are feeling this way. My boyfriend never understood how I could be depressed for “no reason” until years later when he became depressed himself. Feel better and I hope you guys have a great Valentine’s Day together. :)
    Angie Bailey recently posted..Fill Your Easter Baskets With Handmade Arno’s Chocolate Bark

  5. Depression sucks. I keep wanting to say even more now that i have kids, but then again now that i have kids i don’t want to physically hurt myself. But what makes it worse is that they are there and have to deal with it. When i get depressed, i get just the way you described. I yell a lot, i get mad about this thing happening but would have been mad if it didn’t happen, i get mad and go to bed then get mad because my husband isn’t there, then get mad when he finally does come to bed and i get back up, then after everyone is in bed i cry.
    Keep strong. Sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing by talking to him. Even stronger that you had him come hold you even though you didn’t actually want him to at the time.

  6. Depression is a total bitch and it seems that the harder we try to push it aside, the more in seeps in and we feel like what we’ve done isn’t good enough or that everything’s our fault. But this too shall pass and it’s good to have some patient enough to listen to you while you get out how you felt. I big puffy glittery heart you and just want you to be happy. You’re like a big sister who shares my love of bacon and snark, and I hope as today goes on your Valentine’s Day (and his) gets even better. <3 you!!!!!
    Brooke recently posted..The Other Valentine’s Day Reason

  7. Depression sucks. Unfortunately, it is an awful evil monster. Even though it was hard, I’m glad you talked about it & that Mykl handled it so well. Now if my husband would just get on the same page & help me get through my current bout (made worse by a miscarriage this weekend) instead of just getting pissy with me, maybe I could enjoy Valentine’s Day too. :(

  8. Depression can suck it. I get like that too, where it just sneaks up on me. It usually only takes a few days for me to snap out of it, but those days are *hard*. I just feel….miserable about everything. I usually end up picking a fight with my husband, then bawling because I feel so bad and I don’t know *why*. I often end up going to lay down, cry myself to sleep and then I feel a bit better when I wake up. It sucks though to feel that out of control.

  9. Love you, Jen. Sometimes the people in our lives know exactly what to do, even when we don’t know what we need from them. Here’s hoping your day goes a little better. xoxo
    Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] recently posted..Tips for Planning a Home Renovation

  10. OMG I’ve so been there. But I was there with someone who wouldn’t have come, who wouldn’t have stayed etc. I think it’s great that you’re sharing this because when you’re in it, you won’t see it, you won’t want to see it but when you’re on the otherside, you’ll be able to see all the things he at least tried to do right!!
    Depression sucks, it sucks for the person in it and it sucks for the people on the outside looking in.
    Hugs and love to all of you!!!
    Lisa recently posted..Gear Up for Spring with #OshKoshBgosh #MC #sponsored

  11. Mykl did what most wouldn’t. He gave you what you didn’t know you needed. I love that. And I’m happy that you two can talk about how you’re both feeling. Depression is something I struggle with too, a lot, as well as anxiety, so I know exactly what you mean when you say you are mad at everything, and don’t want to be. But everything is so out of your control, so you can’t quite help it.

    I hope your valentine’s day finishes off on an even better note than it started on, this morning. Better days ahead! :)
    Sarah @ Living As We recently posted..Sevengill Toddler Hoodie Review + Giveaway

  12. ExpectingEaster says:

    This is sooooo very familiar. I feel like my anger is a constant companion, and no I don’t want to talk about it, no I don’t want you to touch me, no you can’t do anything about it. But… hey! Where are you going? Why aren’t you over here trying to help me fix this?!

    It must be very frustrating for our guys. Men always want to fix things, and this is the one thing they really can’t.

  13. No thanks necessary. I may not have all the answers. I may not always say the right things. Hell, I barely know what I’m doing most of the time. What I do know is that I love you. I love you when it’s messy (and life can get pretty messy sometimes). I love you when things are tough. I love you when you may not love yourself. That’s how this works. I know things will get better. I’ll be here when they do and we’ll face the next challenge together. Happy Valentine’s Day baby.
    Mykl Roventine recently posted..Unleash Your WordPress Superpowers

  14. I suffer from depression and just recently had the nerve to go talk to my doctor about it. I’ve been on Zoloft for a little over a week and I can tell you, I already feel a difference. I don’t get as mad as I use to. I’m still working on getting back to being ME, but for now, I’ll take this…..You’ll get there….I know you will. ♥

  15. This happens to me, like clockwork, every year. Really, any special occasion seems to cause me loads of anxiety, which makes me a completely unreasonable person and hard to love. I’m thankful to be loved despite it and I’m happy to read your sweetie’s loving words. Sometimes consoling ourselves isn’t possible. Sometimes we really do need to be held through the anger and pain. (Even if we’re kicking and screaming) Happy Valentine’s Day, Lady!
    Jacqualyn recently posted..Hot Wing Casserole

  16. I am sorry that you are feeling this way but glad you have an understanding and helpful partner. Is it seasonal for you and get better when we are able to be in the sun more?
    Jessica recently posted..Slow Cooker Saturday: Easy Pork and Mushroom Gravy

  17. Birdiebee says:

    I get that way when I am not feeling well. I have a chronic illness and when it is at its all time high, I get depressed. I do go to counseling to get my frustrations out and to vent. It helps me to clear my head and angry thoughts. Thank you for sharing!

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