If you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been having a tough week. Depression sucks any time of the year, but it's been especially frustrating to feel out of control this week since this is my first Valentine's Day with Mykl and I really wanted to make it special.
Instead I hate everything. I hate him, I hate myself, I hate my job, I hate my house, and I feel like I just don't care about any of it. It feels like anything and everything pisses me off and sends me spiraling into a very angry place.
This entire week has been full of arguments and fights. Wednesday night was supposed to be our date night. That turned into a total disaster.
Mykl planned out dinner, a movie, and drinks afterwards for our date. I took longer than planned getting ready because I wanted to look extra pretty for him. Once we were in the car, he shared his frustration that we'd have to change plans, since there wasn't enough time to eat at the restaurant he had picked before the movie started. Normal Jen would go with the flow and be understanding. Depressed Jen got mad and felt like he was blaming me for ruining our night. Sometimes I wish I was the type to be quiet, but of course I'm not, so I had to argue that it wasn't my fault and he was being a jerk by getting mad at me for trying to look nice and he better turn the car around right then because I didn't want to go anywhere with him.
Last night Mykl tried to talk to me about what's going on. He saw my post on Facebook and told me he had no idea I was feeling depressed. Sometimes I forget how good I've gotten at dealing with it. I'm not depressed all the time. In fact, most of the time I feel fantastic – I'm a happy, energetic person that likes to take life head-on and enjoy it. But when, inevitably, depression sneaks up on me for a visit, I spiral pretty quickly into a place where everything sucks. Everything frustrates me to the point where I get angry about the frustration, and then I get angry about being angry because damn it, I'm normally happy and I want that Jen back.
The talk with Mykl didn't go very well last night, either. He explained why he's been frustrated with my behavior lately and I decided that he didn't understand depression at all and that he was turning all this around on me and I said something to that effect, paired with a few mean comments, and left the room to go to bed.
Once in bed, I realized I was mad that he wasn't in there with me. (You might have picked up on the theme by now.) I didn't actually want him there. I'm pretty sure if he would have come into bed, I would have yelled at him, but I didn't NOT want him there, either. The more I tried to think about what I wanted, the more frustrated I got. And I knew come morning, our first Valentine's Day together would be here and I'd be ruining the day.
I decided to text him and ask him to come to the bedroom and hold me. I didn't want that, but then again, I didn't want anything, so I figured I might as give it a shot.
He came. He held me. I told him how I was feeling – that I hated him, that I hated myself, that I hated feeling hateful. That I was angry at everything and didn't know what to do about it. That I didn't WANT to feel this way.
When I was done talking, he asked if I had anything else to say. I said no.
So he stayed and held me until I fell asleep.
Turns out that was exactly what I needed. I'm still depressed this morning, but I feel a little less lost. I feel like I can somehow find the energy to make it through the day at work and come home and be functional for the kids.
Thank you Saint Mykl for giving me exactly what I needed for Valentine's Day. I love you.