It's been almost a year and a half since Jason (Levi's dad) moved out.
A year and a half doesn't seem like very long, but a lot has changed since then. Mykl (Mr. Grey) and I have already been living together for a third of that time. Now I have 3 kids at home most of the time instead of just one. And I'm happier than I've ever been.
I can't help but wonder, though, at what point I fell out of love with Jason. We got together this past weekend to finally cancel our joint cell phone service since our 2-year contract was up. He stopped over at my house to play with Levi for a while before we left to go to the Sprint store. Mykl was sleeping, the girls were downstairs playing, and I was cleaning the kitchen. Nothing terribly out of the usual for us.
I'm not exactly sure how we've done it, but being separated feels more comfortable than I remember feeling when we were married. When I look at Jason, I don't feel attracted to him or turned off by him – I kind of feel nothing. When I see him playing with Levi, my heart warms towards both of them, but that's about it. I'm definitely out of love, and even though it's been a long time, it almost feels like it snuck up on me.
Don't get me wrong – I'm not trying to ruin a good thing with Mykl. He's my man and I'm keeping him for a while. But I think it's incredible to look at the big picture and realize that something as a big as a marriage and thinking you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone can fade away like the way it has for me with Jason. I don't miss being married to him. I don't miss the “us” part from our relationship. I sometimes miss the “what could have been” for our family, since if I had a choice, I'd never want Levi to deal with divorce. And of course I feel bad about the hurt that Jason and I both went through getting to this point.
I guess I've realized that overall, falling out of love has been a good thing for me. I don't have all the resentment and frustration built up inside anymore, and like Jason said while we were standing in line at Sprint, we get along better now than we did while we were together.
It's still tough, though. Not in the way I expected, but tough realizing those feelings are gone. The ones I expect are missing. I don't feel resentment, I don't feel anger, I don't feel hate. I don't even feel empty. I almost feel like there's a friendship there now. A shared concern for Levi. An understanding, even, that although we've gone our separate ways, we'll forever be connected as parents.
I guess that's enough for now.