TMI: I Lost My Marbles

Just a quick warning – if you’re new here, you should know that I overshare. A lot. And if you’re my dad, or the dad of anyone I’ve recently dated, please stop reading here.

Mom – you’re cool, you’ve had kids, you’ll probably just laugh.

Ok, so a couple weeks ago, I ordered some kegel balls from Eden Fantasys. I usually just order lingerie from them, but someone had recently recommended kegel balls as a way to strengthen my pelvic floor muscles. In case you’re wondering, the conversation started out about how your body changes after having kids. If you’ve given birth, you know exactly what I mean.

The gal I was talking to told she had heard about kegel balls that help you do exercises to tighten up the muscles down there so there aren’t any surprises during your next achoo moment. I was kind of intrigued. I’ve tried kegels before, but I always feel like I’m clenching my ass more than my pelvic floor muscles, so I decided to order some and give them a try.

I bought the “Opulent Pearl” ones because I thought the irony of keeping them in a clamshell was pretty damn funny, and they didn’t seem too terribly intimidating.

So, two things you need to know. Between the time these arrived and tonight, two important things happened:

1. I read this post from Brittany Herself which made me laugh a lot and also properly scared me into worrying that when I tried the balls, they would fall out.
2. I told my friend Brooke (who has way more experience with things like this) that I bought them and was too scared to use them. She asked if I got the ones with the string. I did not. She assured me I should still be ok.

Fast forward to tonight. For whatever reason, I decided I’d finally work up the courage and give the balls a try. I opened the purple clamshell and inside were two shiny balls, slightly bigger than a marble. Totally harmless, right?

I put them in, and just to see if I could do it, got up and walked around the living room. They didn’t fall out. In fact, I could barely feel them.

I laid on the couch and tried doing some kegel exercises. At first, I could feel a little pressure from them, but then they shifted and I couldn’t feel them anymore. Maybe that’s just how they work? I settled in to watch a little TV.

About half an hour later, I had to pee. I cautiously got up, because I was still nervous they were going to fall out. Nothing. I walked to the bathroom and realized that if they fell out while I was on the toilet, it would probably be really embarrassing to explain to a plumber why marbles were clogging my pipes. (Somehow, I totally forgot that I have a 2 year old and it’s doubtful anyone would question why there were marbles in my toilet. Hindsight is 20/20.) 

TMI #1 – Since I was too scared about the marble/pearl/kegel ball falling out, I elected to just pee all over my hand so I could catch it if it came out during the process. Completely gross, but at the time seemed much easier than a clogged toilet and an emergency weekend call to the plumber.

TMI #2 – Urinating apparently does not relax any of the muscles in my vagina enough to give back the stupid balls. Now I was getting mad, so I decided to go on a search and rescue mission. And totally freaked. Because I couldn’t feel them anywhere in there. Shit. I lost my marbles.

Instead of panicking, I decided to try jumping up and down to dislodge them from wherever they were hiding. Have you ever had a wheezing pug stare at you like an idiot while you’re jumping up and down with your pants around your ankles trying to dislodge a marble from your hoo-ha? Welcome to my world.

I thought about calling Brooke, but then remembered that she shuts off her phone for the weekend, so I just kept jumping and then tried again. Success!! Well, half success. I found one and was able to get it out with a ridiculous amount of contortion and reaching.

The other one was nowhere to be found. I started jumping again. Tried reaching again. No luck.

As of writing this post, I still haven’t found it. If I die tonight, please explain to the medical examiner during my autopsy that I didn’t know what I was doing when they find an oddly placed marble in my body. And please tell Brooke she was right, it IS better to get the ones with the string. Now I understand.

UPDATE: My comment about the medical examiner is if I get hit by a bus or something. I’ve never heard of anyone dying from a missing marble in their vagina. This one is non-toxic and safe. Just misguided about where it gets to sleep tonight.

UPDATE #2: FINALLY!! Two hours, three attempts, and lots of awkward bendy positions later, it’s out. I’m pretty sure it owes me a nice dinner and a drink after all that.