I Think Mike Is Hitting On Me

I’m starting to suspect Mike is not-so-secretly hitting on me. Look what I found in the shower.

What do you mean what is it? Sigh. Now can you see it?

That’s a dead spider, y’all. Mike knows I’m terrified of spiders. I can only assume he killed it to protect me and then left it out as a trophy to show me what a strong, manly, protective guy he is.

And he obviously chose the shower because he knew then I’d be naked and wet and thinking about what a great guy he is.

Sneaky, right?

A little gross to use a dead spider for courtship, but I’ve learned over the years that boys are gross at any age. So I can’t say this kind of behavior is totally surprising.

I saw the dead spider when I first hopped into the shower, which meant I had time to think all of this through and come up with the most likely scenario for how it got there. I figured it was creeping around, being a pervert (because why else would a spider be hanging out in the shower unless he was trying to catch a glimpse of the goodies?), and Mike spotted it. He must have wanted to protect me from the perverted arachnid, so he killed it, then had to show off by leaving it for me to find.

Except that I remembered that although Mike does know about my fear of spiders, he’s told me before that he doesn’t believe in killing them. He’s more of a catch and release kinda guy.

Crap. I guess he wasn’t trying to hit on me.

Double crap. What if he was trying to kill me?! They say that a ton of injuries happen in the bathroom every year. What if he was trying to make my death look like an accident? If the spider died of natural causes, I wouldn’t put it past him. I bet he totally plotted this ahead of time:

Hey, I bet I can use this to scare the crap out of Jen. If I put it in the bathroom, but hide it a little behind the curtain, she probably won’t see it until she’s already in the shower. Then she’ll freak out, scream, slip, and fall. If she hits her head on the way down, no one will suspect that this was all premeditated. Tons of people have stupid accidents in the bathroom every year. No one will ever find out…

Sigh. This story had the potential for a way better ending when I thought he was hitting on me.

Also – I’ll be on vacation for the next week, so please don’t call the cops if you don’t see me updating here or on Facebook. I’ll be lounging in the Caribbean and perfectly fine, unless I’m off embarrassing myself in front of international strangers. My friend Bob already promised to protect me from any crazy cruise ship spiders.