Crap. I’m totally in over my head on this. How do I go about explaining the concept of separation or divorce to Levi?
I’ve been holding a lot of stuff inside lately because I’m really overwhelmed by it all, so I’m just going to spill it in no particular order.
Jason is moving out this week. I have a new roommate moving in on Saturday. I’m totally not ready for any of this, but it’s happening and I just need to adjust.
I’ve tried talking to Jason about what’s going on, but he’s pretty much shut down and hasn’t been willing to talk. We did agree (for now) on a schedule for having Levi. He’ll get him Wed-Sun every other week, and I’ll have him the rest of the time.
Holy fuck. I’m going to regularly, VOLUNTARILY spend 5 days away from my son every other week. I’m not ok with that, but what choice do I really have? Jason is a good dad and it wouldn’t be fair to him or to Levi for them not to spend a lot of time together, too. Levi’s only 2, so school’s not an issue yet, though next year he’ll be starting preschool and that’s just one more thing I’m not really ready for.
I’m stressed to the max and trying to keep my head above water. The toughest part is trying to be positive for Levi. I do NOT want him to feel the tension between Jason and I is in any way related to him.
I went through two divorces as a kid – the first when I was 5 or 6, the second when I was a freshman in high school. It doesn’t feel like that long ago I was wondering if my parents still loved me or if I was the reason they were fighting or splitting up. I know firsthand how hard divorce can be on a child.
So you’d think I would have thought more about what to tell Levi. Today I realized I’m clueless. Kelly (who watches Levi during the day) mentioned today that Levi kept saying “Daddy go buh bye” and “Daddy leaving” while he was at her house today. It could have been him talking about the fact that Jason left for work early this morning, but what if it wasn’t? What if he understands that Jason is moving his stuff out of the house and won’t be living with us anymore?
I’m lost. On some level, I knew we’d have to explain something to Levi, but Jason and I haven’t talked at all about what to say. What’s appropriate to share with a 2 year old? How much is he capable of understanding? It’s not like communication is great between Jason and I, so how do we make sure we keep conversations open and honest with Levi?
I told Jason we need to sit down and talk tonight after Levi goes to bed. I have no idea where to start, but hopefully we’ll be able to fumble our way through it.
Advice from folks who have been through this would be very much appreciated right now.
Edit to clarify: Jason isn’t “leaving” us as in walking out on us or anything like that. If divorce was anyone’s idea, it was mine. We both agreed at our last counseling session that divorce was the best route to take. I’ve since brought up doing a separation and additional counseling, but Jason hasn’t really responded, so I don’t know if he’s interested in that or not. Just wanted to throw that out there so folks don’t think I’m the victim or anything here.
I wouldn’t begin to know what to say either. Here’s hoping you two are able to work something out for how to approach the munchkin with that topic. I also hope you two figure out stuff for eachother along the way. I don’t know what all is going on, no is it my business, but I hope things work out for you.
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Ugh. This is tough. Good luck. I wish you well.
My daughter was 4 months old when her dad moved out. It was his choice, not mine. Obviously, I didn’t have to explain to her then. Around 18 months is when she started going to stay with him at his house (before that, I was either nursing or unwilling to let her go away – that’s an entirely different issue).
I think the key here is to let Levi know that daddy loves him very much – as does mommy. From what I have experienced, that’s the biggest fear – that if daddy has left the house, then he’s not coming back. Sounds like that won’t be the case at all.
At two years old, I think you can tell him that Daddy is going to go live at such-and-such. And then, I think you just take it a day at a time. I don’t think he’s old enough to either handle nor receive a long explanation. Eventually, he will be and he WILL ask (my now-7-year-old asks all the time these days). But, there’s no need to go into a long explanation that may confuse him now. If he asks, “where’s daddy,” tell him. If he asks why he is staying with daddy this weekend, tell him, “Because daddy loves you and wants to see you! Mommy will see you very soon.”
Can you make sure that both of you are able to call and talk to him at any time? That always helped my daughter – even at that young of an age when she couldn’t truly hold a full conversation on the phone. Just hearing my voice or her dad’s voice was a help.
My 2 cents. Along with that, I send you big hugs. This is really, really difficult stuff no matter who makes the choice or who moves out. I’m so sorry that you’re in the situation as I remember the pain too clearly. <3
First off, I’m really sorry to hear. I know that everyone’s experience is different..but my parents divorced when I was 5 and I didn’t understand anything other than the fact that there was moms house and dads house and although sad for about an hour after they told me, I got over it pretty fast. I actually enjoyed having the different days with them and multiple holidays and such. For me, my parents splitting was for the better (not that I’m saying it is for you). And even though my father remarried and since some problems with that whole situation surfaced so we have no relationship, I can say I’m fortunate with their divorce because I would have been a completely different person and im sure it wouldn’t be a happy one. The best advice I can give is to act calm and put it as simply as possible to your child and sit down all together and make it seem all okay (even though its not and you hurt) I think your son will be okay, but I still am sad to hear what you’re going through
hope I help and wish you the best
I went through this when my kids were 4months 4 and 7. This was over almost 10 years ago. The only advice I can give is to make sure you and Jason are on the same page when it comes to Levi. My ex and I were not. I made sure no one spoke badly about him in front of the kids and he didn’t, I would stay calm when we would talk and he yelled. All this behavior finally turned my kids against their father and now they hardly have anything to do with him. Just give Levi Lots of love and extra attention and try to answer questions he might have.((((Hugs))))
Although I have never been through this personally, my husband’s parents divorced when he was 14, and it seems like I had friends with their parents getting divorced right and left growing up. It’s hard. I hope I never have to go through it with my children. I think the best thing you can do is to sit down with your son and tell him that Mommy and Daddy love him both very much, but they are different people now and can’t live together anymore. So we’re still your mommy and daddy, we just won’t live in the same house anymore. Tell him something like He’s so precious and perfect to you both and he didn’t do anything to cause it, some people just change and there’s nothing wrong with that, but life is full of changes and you have to be strong. He probably won’t understand most of what’s going on, but children comprehend more than we know. My mother-in-law said that the most important thing she told her children during the divorce process was that it was between mom and dad and they didn’t do anything and no matter what happened, they both still loved them very much. She told them over and over. I’m so sorry that this is happening to your family, you just have to be strong and honest. He’ll understand when he’s older, and he’ll appreciate your honesty. Good luck!! I hope this helps, even if it’s just a little bit.
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I have no experience on this issue whatsoever, but I totally feel for you. Sending all the positive vibes I have your way. It sounds like you both want what is best for Levi, what a lucky kid to have such amazing parents. He may not understand much now, but eventually he will, and he’ll probably be proud of you for keeping his best interests at heart.
It’s not the same at all, but my son’s (who is older than Levi – he’s four) best friend is moving, and I’ve been recently struggling with how and when to tell him. I finally broke down today, and while he handled it rather well, I don’t think he gets it. I’m waiting for him to ask to go play with his friend and me saying he can’t for the real melt down to happen.
I’ve only been through a divorce, and I was far too young to understand or remember anything, so for me, it was the norm to have my mom and dad not be married. My only advice is what I always try to do in times when I don’t know what else to do – go to the library and see if there’s a picture book on the subject. I know that probably sounds really weak, but I’ve found that books help open up a dialog between my older son and I.
I left my daughters father when she was 3 – She never got over it! (she is 22 now) He was a great dad but a horrible husband. He tried to stay in her life but eventually moved 3000 miles away.. she visited twice but they did not go well (due to his choice in roommates) I seriously think it changed the course of her life.. made her feel less loved and forgotten – Tread carefully when it comes to seperation/divorce Children feel and sense things that we don’t even know we are feeling/thinking and they always think it is about them or because of them. I hope you two can work it out – life is too short and your family is to important to not fight for! God bless!
I don’t think you need to explain the divorce to him, as he’s still too young. Maybe your counselor could help you with ideas on what to say to him. The most confusing part is going to be a new guy moving in right away.
Hi, I know that we do not know each other but reading your post I felt compelled to help however I can. I couldn’t imagine how you feel right now. With that being said I am a child of divorced parents so I understand the kids side of things. I am also a professional that works with children and have a bachelors in Psychology and masters in Educational Psychology in Counseling. My thoughts are a little developmental information might help you here. Some of it is probably things you know or maybe you don’t but it was helpful for a friend in the past who had the same feelings you are having. You mentioned that Levi is only 2 years old. Most of us do not have memories earlier than 3 years so he will not forever REMEMBER what happened. The thing that will speak to him at this age is consistency and things that are easy to understand and predict in his schedule. Having a routine and sticking to it. Loving him every second of the way. Not competing for his attention. Kids are super resilient and he will get through it better than you will expect. Also, always assume that he knows more than you think because kids are so incredibly smart. Levi may have noticed that daddy is leaving. He may get it and so talking to him in words that he can understand will be helpful. Some things that will help him after the split are things like visual calendars where he can put a stick or something on a square that will let hime know when he gets to see the next parent. Time is endless at his age and it can be super hard to understand what “you will see mommy on Friday” means. Also make sure that you have pictures of the opposite parent at each house that are easy for him to access if he gets sad. Let him have his comfort item (blankie, etc.) for however long he needs it because it will give him a safe place and more consistency. A friend once told me she was incredibly surprised at how well her kids handled divorce. She felt that since there was no longer relationship tension that both parents were able to focus more on the kids and that they were better parents because of it. He will move through this and will be okay. I hope this helps some and please don’t hesistate to email me for any questions or just to vent out all your feelings. Everything with me is confidential. I wish you all the best.
I meant to say a visual calendar with stickers not stick (sorry). Also you might want to think about making a simple story for him using pictures of him with you and him with daddy to explain to him the shifting that will take place. Pictures speak a lot to kids. Way more than words which tend to go in one ear and out the other.
Not for nothing, but I feel like your being a complete bitch.
I don’t know you or your family from Tom, Dick, or Harry,
but maybe you should take your head out of your ass
and make your marriage work.
For fucks sake, you ask for a divorce & he buys you a Keuring?
What a greedy little bitch.
Thats probably your problem.
Either that or you drink to me.
The first thing one sees when opening your blog is a lady with a martini
glass…. What the fuck is that? & this is your “parenting blog?”…. RIGHT!
Wow Charissa! What a hateful thing to say! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Charissa is just grumpy because she needs coffee. Someone get her a Keurig!
“I don’t know you or your family”. That pretty much sums it up there. Name calling and judging someone when you don’t know them or their situation is unnecessary and rude. I don’t know all the in’s and out’s either but I can tell you just from reading this blog that this was not a decision made lightly.
I don’t mean to pry where I don’t belong, but who is the roommate moving in with you? Is it someone Levi is familiar with, a stranger to him, a man that he may see with mommy in ways that he’s used to seeing daddy? I know that point is none of our business, and nothing that you need to share, I just wanted to let you know that I think you should also explain to Levi that you’re going to have a new friend come live with you, to help you out, be there for you etc. I don’t want him to be confused or to think daddy is being replaced or anything like that, which I know is not anyone’s intentions at all. I hope this is something you and Jason are able to work through…**hugs**
I’m so so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. I don’t have much advice, but I have a bit of experience I guess. I was 2 when my parents divorced and apparently it was pretty nasty. If it’s any consolation, I don’t remember ANY of it, so there’s a good chance that Levi won’t either. You might have some uncomfortable questions in the meantime, but he’ll make it through okay. Sending big hugs your way!!
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