Jason and I are redefining what “Happy Anniversary” means this year. You know a man really loves you when you tell him you want a divorce and he still buys you a Keurig for your anniversary.
Yup, the big D word.
For the record, I didn’t actually ask for a divorce for our anniversary. It’s something we’ve been moving towards for a very long time, and we’ve just been discussing it more lately. In fact, we’ll be talking about it with our marriage counselor at our appointment on Monday.
I wasn’t planning to blog about this side of our relationship, but I feel really guilty about all of the people wishing us a happy anniversary. Like we’re being fraudulent or something.
It’s not like we hate each other or even dislike each other. We’ve just come to realize that we don’t love each other the way we used to. Instead of falling more in love, we’ve been drifting apart, and all the work in counseling for the past 4 months has brought that to our attention. Back when we started going to counseling, I wrote about how priests and rabbis don’t perform marriage ceremonies, they witness them. It’s up to the couple to make the commitment and make it work.
That’s where Jason and I have failed. Although we’ve made the commitment to each other, we haven’t made it work. We’re fantastic friends, great parents, but poor partners. I have no idea how any of this is going to turn out, and I’m extremely scared about the outcome.
In the meantime, Happy Anniversary Jason. I love you and I’m honored to have spent the past 5 years by your side. You’re a wonderful man and an amazing father.
I hope life brings you both happiness. My daughter and her husband just split as well. I was a bit shocked because they seemed so perfect together and apparently they are … as best friends. I can say they both have this beautiful shine about them now that they are both able to look forward to love and happiness.
My husband and I hit a really rough spot this past year, where I honestly wasn’t sure if we were going to make it. We’re on slightly more solid ground now, but I’m still not 100% sure how things are going to go. I think the hard part is that the way people make marriage seem is that you fall in love and it’s forever, and that’s the end. When really, it’s about falling in and out of love, over and over again. We can’t expect to be with someone forever and not expect that nobody will change, when that happens, we can’t expect that there won’t be differences or rifts. Sometimes it’s just a matter of holding on during the rough parts and coming through on the other side, and sometimes you have to know when to let go. I wish you guys the best – it’s a scary time, I know.
You’re so strong to blog about this openly, and I want you to know that I’ve been there. With a big, fat DOUCHE so it is a little different, but I’ve been there. Being a single mom was the most empowering thing I’ve ever done and I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes wish I could go back 5 years and do it all over again. xoxo
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I totally understand. Me and my bf have been together for years and have two kids. We aren’t married, and I’m pretty sure we won’t ever be. Our relationship is just not like that. we work together great, and are awesome friends, but over the years, we’ve lost anything else. I’m positive we’d be divorced by now if we had ever been married.
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one struggling. My fiance and I have been together for 7, going on 8 years and have 2 children together also. Sometimes I’m so madly in love with him and other times I feel like I’m just with him because I couldn’t give our kids the quality of life they have now. Truly it helps(as sad as it is) hearing that so many other people are in similar situations and I guess we really aren’t alone in our struggles even though it may feel that way. So strange how when I was a kid I just thought you grew up and got married and you lived happily ever after.
Your honesty is refreshing! Sometimes divorce is best for both parties. I wish you well whatever happens!!
Change is often a scary prospect, but changing your status from married mom to single mom could be the scariest change of all. It can be so scary that some people will stay in a relationship that is no longer working. The resulting anger, bitterness, constant hostility, resentment, guilt, self righteousness, ridicule and all kinds of other negativity is not a good environment to bring up children. It’s great that you and Jason are seeing a counselor and it would also be great to continue to see someone to help you keep both your trains on the right tracks afterwards too. Having that sounding board and a safe place to share what you are feeling will be invaluable for you & Jason & will also benefit Levi in the long run. It’s tough what you are going through & I don’t envy you having to do it. But I do envy your strength and bravery in making a difficult decision & I have a feeling that you will continue to be a wonderful role model of a woman, mother, friend and open mindedness. Best of luck to you sweetie … oh, and that shine that one of your other commentors mentioned? It’s already on you and Jason. Can’t you feel it?
I’m glad you are honest about it.
Marriage takes work, and so does romantic love. Try, it will be so worth it. Spend time together as a couple, not just as parents.
Even if you have fallen “out of love”. You can fall back in love again.
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I completely get it. After fifteen years and raising my daughter together from the age of two to graduation (and our own thirteen year old) together, we looked at divorce in the face very seriously in June. We haven’t decided to call it quits just yet, and it is about more than falling out of love, but it is rough when one partner wants to work at things and the other partner wants to coast and ignore the problems. Our anniversary was in June – fourteen years – and we hardly batted an eyelash. I, too, am in counselling. I hope that you are able to remember why you married and to grow together as you change as individuals.
Praying for all 3 of you. My husband and I have been married for 20 years now. We are best friends, and more in love than ever. But, about 6 years ago, he came to me and said that he just didn’t think he was in love with me any more. Even though we had been having a tough time, I stubbornly refused to consider ‘THE D WORD’. We have 3 wonderful kids, then 8, 11, and 13, and I was not interested in harming them. My parents divorced when I was 11, and I vowed not to do that to my babies. I think my words were “So sad for you, we have 3 kids and we have to do what’s right for them”. OK, maybe not the most loving words I could have chosen, but I was upset. We made it through and our love is better than ever!
Just saying, it’s not always easy or fun, but so worth it to plow through the rough patches. And you will never, ever, find anyone who will love your child as much as he does!
The problem with “love” is that it doesn’t always feel the same. We’re all fed this notion of what love is and what it’s supposed to be (from movies, books, etc…)… so when our relationships evolve and our “love” changes – we think something is wrong – when in reality it is just maturing into something different than we’re used to.
Last year I talked to my mom about not “being in love” with my hubby and how distant from the marriage I felt. Of course I love my hubby, at the time, however, it just didn’t feel the same anymore.
Thankfully, she explained how love changes and it’s completely normal. She’s been married to my dad for 41 years… so I trust that she knows what she’s talking about.
Last year it was nearly impossible thinking about being married to my hubby for the rest of my life… I was unhappy – more so with myself and my life than my hubby or the marriage itself- but the effect was felt everywhere in my life. Right now, I couldn’t imagine life without my hubby…
It helps to think of marriage the same as I think of being a parent… While I love my children dearly – there are many times when I’m not happy with them or they are downright exasperating (I even think about how simple life would be without them) – but I don’t divorce myself from my children just because our parent/child dynamic/relationship has changed…
(Oh, and speaking of children – they also have an impact on most marriages and it takes years to get things “back on track.”)
I hope you both find what truly makes you happy. I really admire the maturity between the two of you and how you are handling the entire thing (emotions and all). = ) I’m your newest follower from the hop I believe. Looking forward to reading your blog.
Irish
Dedicated2Life.com
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Hi there–found you from the Make My Morning Blog Hop. I really appreciate your honesty–I’m sure it must have been tough for you to write this post. Whatever you two decide, I wish you peace and happiness.
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Have a really happy anniversary!
You are very brave to share this with the world. You are an incredibly strong woman and amazing mom! I’m sorry that you are having to go through this but in the end it will make everyone happier and healthier!
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What’s really great is that you can talk openly about it and remain friends, that’s a big plus for your son, too, it will make it much easier than if you couldn’t stand each other! Kudos to you!